I’m working through Danielle LaPorte’s Fire Starter Sessions and filling out the worksheets here. Worksheet 4: The Burning Questions

When someone at a party asks you what you do, what do you say?  And how do you feel when you say it?

I usually say “I’m a writer,” or “I’m a food writer,” or some variation on that, and it feels AWESOME.  Being a writer is what I have always wanted to be.  Plus, food writer, or magazine editor is just a super cool job to have.  People are jealous of my job.

What do people thank you for most often? What do they come to you for, or say about you, most frequently? (Positive or negative.)

This is a toughy.  I don’t get thanked very often.  I guess people generally thank me for being responsible, for being on the ball, for being organized and prepared.  They like it when I take control of things and get shit done. I don’t know what people say about me.

There was a point, right before I got pregnant and left the magazine full time, when I was realizing that I was becoming a person I didn’t want to be.  I was complaining, I was whining, I was negative at work.  That was a real eye-opener for me.  I never want to be a complainer.  But I was getting so beat down by everything that was going on there, it was hard not to be negative.

I want to be a person that other people can rely on.  I want to (at least seem like I) have it all together.  I want to be organized, responsible, reliable, and kick ass at what I do.  I want people to know that when they come to me for something, if I say yes, they’re going to get 110% of what they asked for.

When do you feel powerful, passionate, free, incredibly useful, excited, inspired?

I love having a project.  I think it’s the director in me.  I love making big things happen.  I love planning and then seeing those plans come to fruition.  I love doing big, impressive things.

I love writing and hearing that people enjoy my writing.  That is just the biggest buzz for me.  I get excited about big writing projects.  I love plot twists.  I love that feeling when all my creative juices are flowing.

I am so proud of my website relaunch and of my ebook.  That was a big deal, and I made it happen, and I felt successful.

I feel powerful when I have made a plan, and it all comes together in something beautiful.  I love to create.  I love the process and the finished product.

What do you think your form of genius is?  What are you amazing at (work or life related)?

I am really good at explaining and teaching.  I am good at getting stuff organized.  I am good at planning. I’m good at writing and expressing myself through words.

Who do you think is really cool or elegant or powerful?

Right now I’m thinking these lady online entrepreneurs are really cool and powerful.  I love Nigella Lawson.  I think the Cardigan Empire girl is very elegant. I think Kuvy is pretty cool.

What’s chronic, repetitive or inflamed in you inner or outer life?

I hate that I’m always looking for a quick fix.  I hate that I have trouble following through on things that are difficult.  I don’t like that I’m a procrastinator.  I hate that I have this revolving cycle of depression.

What’s always in the back of your mind?

That I’m a failure.  Or a fraud.  Or that I’m on my way to failure.  That I’m going to let somebody down.

What would you like to stop doing?

I’d like to stop feeling like a failure.  I’d like to stop starting things (programs, plans, etc.) and then not finishing them.

How much money would you like to be making?

If Brandon and I together were making six figures, I think we could be very comfortable and happy.

How would you like to be seen, recognized acknowledged, awarded, praised?

I want to have a book on the NYTimes bestseller list.  I want to be asked to speak at conferences.  I want to be considered an expert.  I want to be interviewed.  I want people to fall in love with my work.

What would you like to do with your life and career?

I really want to be a successful fiction author.  I also really love being a food writer.  It would be amazing to have a dual career writing fiction and writing books and articles about food.

image Some rights reserved by Jonathan Kos-Read

I feel a little crazy right now.

I just dropped $2k on a business school program.

I’m seeking out self-help websites and books like it’s my job.

I agreed to an ultimatum of one year to make my website pay or get a real job.

I’ve started following this cadre of women who have built powerful online empires.

I want to be one of them.

I’m starting to think of myself as an entrepreneur.

I just checked out The Personal MBA from the library.

I don’t know who this person is, sitting here.  What happened to that liberal arts major who was going to just let things happen?

She got burned a few too many times, I guess.

When I have actually decided to make things happen, I have done amazing things.  Even the biggest professional failure of my life could be seen as a success if I look at it from a different angle.

I remember riding in that rental car, driving down Highway 1, thinking my life was ending in that very moment.  I will never, ever forget that sunset.

But my life didn’t end.  The sun came up the next day and we went to Disneyland.

True story.

I’m thinking of giving up sugar.

I feel like I’m transforming, and I like it.  I wonder what I will be when I wake up.

image Some rights reserved by AlicePopkorn

Genius is nothing more or less than childhood recovered by will, a childhood now equipped for self expression with an adult’s capacity…..Charles Baudelaire

Sometimes we use the words “motivated” and “committed” interchangeably. We say “I’m motivated to write today” and “I’m committed to write today.” Even so, the words aren’t the same. Being motivated to write today can help you meet your daily quota of words or pages. Being committed to your writing will get the book finished.

Motivation involves getting yourself to do things because you feel like it. Commitment will cause you to do things even when you don’t feel like it. Getting that novel written—developing your writing career—will only happen if you have commitment that keeps you moving through the motivational lapses.

I’m working through Danielle LaPorte’s Fire Starter Sessions and filling out the worksheets here. Worksheet 3: Core Desired Feelings

What do you want to feel in your life?

• brilliant
• genius
• needed
• important
• knowledgeable
• helpful
• admired
• affluent
• creative
• driven to create
• artistic
• fulfilled
• loved
• generous
• recognized
• elegant
• graceful
• feminine

Narrow it down to three to five desired feelings:

Admired • Creative • Affluent • Genius • Elegant

Five to ten accomplishments or experiences that will make me feel this way:

1. Finishing my novel
2. Selling a novel
3. Being published in a national magazine
4. Being invited to speak at a conference on writing
5. Hosting a ridiculously awesome dinner party

Three things I will do today to generate these feelings:

1. Work on my book
2. Make an appointment for a mani/pedi
3. Have lunch with Jennifer

Three things I will do this week to generate these feelings:

1. Make a goal on when I will finish my book
2. Read
3. Cook something special and photograph it

Three things I will do this quarter to generate these feelings:

1. Decide on an education plan for myself
2. Submit something to a big magazine
3. Get a facial

Three people to collaborate with who help me feel this way:

1. Anne
2. Jennifer
3. ?

Image Some rights reserved by AlicePopkorn

1. Clean the house / sufficient
2. Do the laundry / sufficient
3. Take care of the baby / great
4. Play with the baby / brilliant
5. Cook and eat meals / brilliant
6. Do yard work / sufficient
7. Write articles for YS / great
8. Write blogs for OA / sufficient
9. Write blogs for LLP / great?
10. Promote myself / sufficient
11. Write articles for other magazines (haven’t done yet!) / lame
12. Attend local food events / great
13. Writing group / great
14. Exercise / sufficient
15. Read / brilliant
16. Watch TV / brilliant
17. Watch movies / sufficient
18. Date nights (??? Would love to…) / lame
19. Gardening / sufficient
20. Shopping (groceries and other) / great
21. Pay bills/balance the finances / sufficient
22. Do crafty things / sufficient
23. Travel / lame

What’s your competency leve for each activity?
See above.

Which of those activities doesn’t really light your fire?
See strikethroughs

Which activities are inspiring? Which make you feel strengthened?
See bold

What can you do to develop your strengths and interests?

• Set aside constructive play time every day with Devyn
• Cook at least one “inspiring” meal per week
• Volunteer to do more yard work for exercise and mental break
• Sign up for more free events and networking sessions
• Take more time with my YS articles
• Work on writing more personal essays for LLP
• Set aside time to work on my novel
• Keep up with writing group, or meet with Jennifer one-on-one
• Read every night before bed
• Set up date nights and make them happen
• Plan some travel!

What three actions will you take this week to condition and nourish your true strengths?

1. Mow the lawn
2. Work on my novel
3. Plan a date night

What three actions will you take this week to decrease your time spent on the activities that drag you down and don’t feed your true strength?

1. Talk about cleaning on the weekend with Brandon
2. Ask Brandon to take over the bills again
3. Fold laundry while watching TV

Worksheet 1: Passion Play

What are you intensely interested in?
I am intensely interested in words, in writing, in storytelling, in communication. I am interested in the beauty of the written word.  I am intensely interested in being creative, in producing art, in feeling fulfilled through creative endeavors.

I am interested in food, in eating, in cooking, in seeing and smelling and tasting.  I am interested in the whys, the science behind the cooking.  I am interested in fine dining and dive bars and holes in the walls.  I am interested in food trucks.  I am interested in eating like a foodie but being healthy and fit.  I am interested in not dieting, but not being overweight. I am interested in health through food for ourselves and our planet.

I am interested in the green movement. I am interested in getting toxins out of my life.  I am interested in making the right choices easier to make. I’m interested in self-reliance and sustainability. I’m interested in gardening and foraging. I’m curious about chickens.

I am interested in learning to live in the moment.

I’m curious about science.  I’m curious about biology and chemistry and physics, especially astrophysics. I’m curious about literature and art. I’m curious about fashion and design. I’m curious about yoga and Buddhism.  I’m curious about child development and education. I’m curious about cooking school and an MFA.

You go to the best cocktail party ever… Who was there? What kind of information did they share with you? What did they ask you? How did they offer to help you?
I don’t feel like I’m good at social events like this, so this one is hard to answer. I think there is an author there, a truly accomplished writer who has figured out the balance between her passion and making a living. And she is impressed by me, sees potential in me.  She offers to be my mentor.  She offers to walk me through the process, to read my manuscripts, to gently guide me on the right path. She offers to introduce me to people I ought to know, to put a word in with the right editor, the right agent, so that they will look at my manuscripts.  She offers me advice when I don’t know whether to take this class or that seminar.  She pulls strings and finds discounts for this promising young writer.  She wants me to be her protege.

If you could go to five conferences or events this year, which ones would you go to, or what would they be about?

1.  The Credo Institute’s creativity conference in the south of France—rediscovering my creative passion
2. The Lighthouse’s week-long writing retreat in Grand Lake
3. Aryan’s next photography workshop in Basque country
4. A food writing conference
5. The SCBWI Chautaqua writing intensive next summer to workshop my completed manuscript

What could you talk about late into the night with like-minded people without running out of things to say?
I could talk about fiction writing forever.  About plots and characters and books we’ve enjoyed and how to write our way out of a sticky situation. I long for someone to chew over my stories with. I miss my fan fiction days with a beta reader who wanted to get as deeply into my story as I did.  I miss the excitement of passing my spiral notebook around at lunch for my friends to read the next chapter of whatever I was writing.

What activities make you feel really useful, alive, and strong?
I love the anticipation of waiting for someone to read what I’ve written, and I love the moments when we start to pick over it.  I love being in charge of a project when everything is coming together.  I love organizing all the nitty-gritty details.  I miss the thrill of pulling something huge together, like a film shoot.  I love seeing my imagination come to life, whether on the page or on the screen.  I feel like a rock star when people like my writing.  I feel like a purposeful human being when I know I am making an important contribution to something.  I like teaching and helping people.  I feel most like myself when the words are flowing well, and when I’m surrounded by other creative people.

What do you want to be known for?
 I really, really, REALLY want to be a published novelist.  Down to my bones.  I enjoy being known as a food writer.  I want to win more awards for my writing.  I want to be a successful, working writer.  I want to be useful to people.  I want to be known as the person who has it all together.

Oh lord the itch.  THE ITCH.

Brought on by jealousy. But maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe that’s what I need.  Competition is healthy.

I haven’t wanted the words this badly in so long.  So long.

I’ve felt this before, this longing, this calling, this feeling of standing on the edge, on the precipice of something great, something important.  This feeling of being about to jump or fall.

I’d forgotten what it feels like.

I wonder if I remember how to scratch.

Image Some rights reserved by varun suresh

I stopped reading last night on a list of questions asking me to ponder what I’m passionate about, what turns me on, what lights my fire, what makes me feel amazing.

And then I dreamed of directing a film shoot with two of my closest friends from childhood.

I’m not sure exactly what that means.  I’m not certain if it means I ought to be making films again, or finding friends like that again, or both.  I have been longing for a close friend again, one that is as dear as a member of the family, and often a great deal more fun to be around.  And that excitement and passion I felt when I was doing films is definitely something I’m seeking.

I’ll be interested to see where the exercises in this book take me.  I have a feeling it may not be where I thought I was headed.

And then, as though the universe wanted to solidify something for me, I just read this passage:

“I’ll come back to it. You must know what that’s like — sometimes something just isn’t working right, you need a little space on it. Part of the job, huh?”

Graveworthy chuckled. “Writing isn’t a job, Mr. Baker, it’s a life.”

Jack rested his wrists on the framework of a practice engine, cocking his head slightly, inviting him to continue.

“Of course there are people who do write for a living — people who put in their two thousand words and go home at the end of the day. They have…hobbies, passions, things that their writing supports.” Graveworthy gestured at the machine. “Just as there are engineers who don’t live for their machines. For me, writing is like — blinking. It just happens, whether I want it to or not.”

Jack wondered if there really were engineers who didn’t live for their machines; it took a special kind of mind to want to be an engineer. Then he thought of Larsson, who seemed more interested in bossing people around than in his mechanical studies.

“I suppose not everyone has that kind of passion,” he allowed. “I feel sorry for people who don’t.”

“Really? I rather envy them. Then again, I suppose someone who wanted to earn pay for building that machine of yours would be much more frustrated than someone who built it for love.”

~The Dead Isle by Sam Starbuck

I had a dream last night about working on my novel.  The details are less important than the overall feeling of peace and wellbeing I had. I haven’t felt that in my waking life in a long time.

A dear friend is attending a very exclusive writing retreat in a few days and it has me feeling a little jealous—it’s for food writing and based in Santa Fe, the city of my heart—but more than that, it has me feeling that familiar itch, that buried desire to put words to the page.  And not just any words.  I want to write beautiful words. I want to craft poetry and song, even if I’m writing prose.

I wonder if that isn’t one reason I’ve left my novel to languish so long. It feels… plebeian. It feels standard.  It feels rough and common.  It feels as though I am writing only to advance the plot, rather than to create and paint and sing with the words. It doesn’t feel as if there is opportunity for that sort of writing.  Somehow, this book that started as a strange little fairy tale has morphed into an adventure novel, something I never intended to write.  I feel disconnected from it.

I’ve bought myself weekly writing time.  Mostly it will be for paying work, but I hope to steal a few moments here and there, when the work is done, and remember what it is to write to play.

image by h.koppdelaney